Almost 5 years later...

And now I am feeling all the pain. All the regret. Everything.
I hate myself. I wish I could tell you how I feel, but you won't give me the time of day.

Why must I regret everything now? Why didn't I think about this stuff 4 years and a half years ago?

I was cold as ice, and now I'm paying the price. 💔💔💔

Make it better

Thinking about all the pain you caused me sucks. Just apologize already. Like please, seriously.

Feeling...

Like I don't matter.
Feeling like I'm not important.
Feeling like just another face in the crowd.
Feeling stressed and overwhelmed and sad.

I have a head ache. /:

Change

I hate change so much. What I hate even more is that change is always going to happen. It is not avoidable. I think I've made peace with that fact finally. Well sort of.

Maybe not. I still hate change. But there is nothing I can do about it.

I will continue to lose and make new friends. I will continue to age. I will continue to try new things and decide whether or not I like what I've tried.

I also have noticed and seen through photos that I have changed so much. Even just over a period of two years.

I hope with the continuation of change, that I will also see a change in the world. I hope the change in the world will be terrific and not terrifying.
Because people scare me. I hate people. There are so many rude and ignorant people who have no respect for anything or anyone.

I also hope with change, I change. Not just looks, but with my attitude.
I have one of the worst attitudes I think. I catch myself being more pessimistic than optimistic lately. I don't like that. I also have been consumed with so much hatred. Hatred towards humans. Not all, but most definitely a vast majority. I also find myself every once and a while thinking terrible thoughts that I use to when I was terribly depressed. I'm afraid that I will slip back into an awful depression. I don't want to feel sad and empty all the time again. It's not fun.

So, yeah. I like the positive side of change, but absolutely fear the negative side.

School

I can't trust anyone. I'm so done. I want this year to be over.

Forget

I don't want to remember the time I've wasted thinking about you.
I wish I could erase you from my mind, so that if I were to ever see you again you'd just be a stranger passing by.

I've now fallen in love, with someone who loves me right back.
But I feel terribly awful that just the thought of what happened still causes me so much pain.

Somerset Beach...

I had a very odd dream last night.

It's the first day of family camp and I'm sitting in the grass of my old youth group leaders campsite. I don't know this yet though. I see them walk up and greet them both with BIG hugs. We then walk, arms around each other, back to their site. We talk about missing each other, and how I feel singled out. Then I help them set up their tent.

After finishing putting up their tent an old friend, who is called Gigi, walked up. We chat. Then the bearded friend of mine asks me if I'm ready to head up and go see the children, he says they'll make me feel better. But I decide to stay at the campsite. They and Gigi leave.

It starts to rain, and I have to use the bathroom, so I run to the field house. The bathrooms got switched, Girls on the left now and Boys on the right. I finish my business and as I'm leaving I see people who hurt me terribly homecoming of my sophomore year. I run out of the field house to avoid anything that could happen.

That's all I can remember. Alright well, choa to those of you who read my posts.

Tears

It's been awhile since I've cried. I don't really know exactly why I started getting upset, but what triggered the watering eyes was the fact that I miss people. /:

Roller Coaster

Life is truly a roller coaster. Just when you think you're at the lowest point, you end up going straight back up! (: I'm so happy. I got assistant Drum Major. Something that I've always wanted. I was so happy that I burst into tears(':

Drum Major Tryouts...

Agh. Drum Major tryouts are on tuesday. So many emotions are fludding through my body and mind it's crazy. I'm scared and excited. Super worried and anxious. Oh gosh. Wish me luck! Please? (:

Mistakes...

Mistakes are just lessons learned.

Ahhh!

Soccer Tryouts monday and tuesday. So pumped!! We need at least 7 more girls to gaurentee a JV team. Right now we have a for sure 31 girls. Which 18 girl Varsity, and if we don't get more we're going to have a 13 girl JV or no JV at all.
I'm pretty sure random girls will show up to tryouts, but right now chances aren't looking so hot. But who knows. I guess I'll see on Monday.

I'm getting over you inch by inch

My walls were up; You broke through them; You broke me; Now I built my walls back up, stronger than ever.

Weekend...

I had a nice weekend. Friday was great! The Wind Enssemble got a ONE at district fesstival(:

The bus ride home was awesome! Trevor and I sang and danced to a bunch of songs on his ipod in the small space available on the bus seat. Still can't believe we got a one, but so glad we did(:

Alyssa stayed the night as well. Then saturday we went to Malique's birthday party. Alyssa and I gave him a pet rock family that we painted all pretty(:

Cosmic bowling was fun, I won both time, well on the girl side I won. 99 then 93. (:
I was a lightbulb with my neon yellow/green shirt.

Alyssa stayed the night again on Saturday. Then today Alyssa and I watched Inception and The Book Of Eli. Now, I'm super bored and I have to peeeeeeee! So cya! o/

LOOK!!!! :D

Present from my dad!

merp...

if you truly love someone, you'll wait for them no matter how long it may take; and at the end of it all, you'll be stronger then ever and you'll last forever ♥

Friday.

I was in a super sad mood today.
I still kind of am.

But school was super easy, watched movies in both my 1st and 5th hour, and 3rd hour we just listened to our concert and rated ourselves.

1st hour movie was Radio, I love that movie! So good. Very sad in some parts though. Then 5th hour we watched My Sister's Keeper, which I've never seen, but everyone kept saying it was a super sad tear jerker. So Monday is going to be fun when we finish these movies.

Took a 3 hour nap when I got home, that helped me feel better, but now I'm listening to sappy songs, which doesn't help, but I really just want to cry to get it out of my system. I just can't seem to cry anymore/:

Well I was having a good day...

Wednesday...

I ran 2 miles in 17min35secs! A lot better than last time. Kept a solid pace with Danny. She kept me going(:

Also spent time with my grandparents. Then went to Prayer group with them. It feels good to be back, but I still feel like something is missing.